Houses of Healing

Changing Other People in a Relationship

Here's a simple question that came up in Personal Coaching session:

My husband and I have been married for five years and his family is still a mystery to me. I’ve tried everything I know to develop a closer relationship with them. I call his parents at least once a week, set up outings and dinner dates with them, and invite them on our excursions. All to no avail. They simply don’t seem interested. I think that close family relationships are important and I’ve told them how much I would like to get to know them better. And still their response is lukewarm. Should I just give up?

Research shows that when we feel emotionally disconnected from those with whom we are in relationship, our emotional brain becomes aroused and we move into flight or fight mode. This means we respond only in terms of defense and attack. The results are not good for our relationships and it throws our physiology into chaos.

Nothing affects the emotional brain like the quality of your relationships. Women are relationship oriented - Relationships mean a lot to women. A good relationship can give you increased energy and support a positive outlook. A troubled relationship can wear you out. The health and wellbeing of your relationships entrains your emotional brain, which in turn governs your physiological health.

When you are engaged in disconnected, turbulent, or emotionally unfulfilling relationships, your moods and energy can become drained, negative, and unsustaining.

By contrast, relationship peace and connection can lead to better health and well being, more vital energy and more positive moods. By almost every measure those who have close and rewarding relationships do better than those who have turbulent relationships.

Often times in relationships we are looking to the other party to be an equal part of turning the relationship into something that meets our needs. But before we even get to that point there is a lot of our own internal work that can be done and often needs to be done before we can experience the kind of relationships we want.

In a situation like you are experiencing the first place to look at would be the whole issue of your need to have close family relationships. It is so important to be aware of our needs and then to find a way to get those needs met. Asking for what you need from friends and family can be wonderful and successful tactic to help get those needs taken care of. But, there are pitfalls in that process.

You may be asking your husband’s family to fulfill a need of yours that they are not capable of fulfilling – particularly in a way that is satisfying to you. If you have a need for close family relationships, you have to match up with someone who likes to give close family relationships. It makes no sense to keep coming to the tropics when you want to be snow skiing. They may be doing the best they can but simply not be able to do what it is you need.

If you have a need for this experience of close family relationships and your in-laws don’t seem to be able to meet that need – find another way. Perhaps it is more fulfilling for you (and less stress on them) if you fill your need by developing close relationships with other members of the family.

Also, it is a good practice to discover what is underlying this need. Maybe, these close family relationships make you feel connected and secure in a caring network. If that is the case, there are many means to experience this type of connection – become a Big Sister or get involved in a local charity organization. Once you discover the essence of your need there are many ways to get that need met.

Could be that your in-laws are already experiencing a close family relationship with you. Maybe their lukewarm response is their idea of a close family relationship and it could help you if you found out more about their ideal family interactions. Some people can feel totally connected to friends and family and not see or speak with them for months. You all might be in agreement on the basic outcome of the relationships – it is just that the ways and means that don’t mesh.

Maybe they don’t like doing the things the things you like to do – find out what their favorite things to do are. Sitting home and watching TV might be their preference and they aren’t so fond of dinners out and excursions to new places.

There is a quote by Gandhi that says, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” This is wonderful advice for a relationship. Often we come to a relationship seeking something outside of ourselves. If we want intimacy in a relationship we can not be waiting for the other person to be intimate. We have to be intimacy ourselves. We have to develop our own experience of intimacy so that no matter who we are relating to we are able to experience an intimate connection with them. The experience comes from our own dynamic and we merge and expand that experience in the presence of another – but we don’t depend on them to make something happen for us. We become the experience we want to have in a relationship.

Unfortunately – or is that fortunately?- you can’t change anyone but yourself. Taking the focus off your husband’s in-laws and putting it on the only place you can change – yourself – will put you back in the driver’s seat and leave you in an empowered position. The need you feel for close family relationships may be your call to become connection, intimacy, or support. As you grow and develop these characteristics, of the essence of close family relationships, you will not only fill up your need but also generate those characteristics in the world and attract them to you.

Good luck and have fun.

“When we know that the cause of something is in ourselves, and that we (ourselves) are one of the few things in the universe that we have the right and ability to change, we begin to get a sense of the choices we really do have, an inkling of the power we have, a feeling of being in charge of our lives, of our future, of our dreams.” - John-Roger and Peter McWilliams

Herbal Acne Remedies

Acne is one of the most prevalent and most difficult skin problems to treat. Not only does acne cause physical discomfort and blemish it also can be the cause of stressful angst and embarrassment leaving the acne sufferer with less than positive feelings about themselves.

Standard treatments range from various over-the-counter and prescription drugs, ultraviolet radiation, oral anti-biotic treatments, hydrocortisone based lotions, oral contraceptives and a variety of abrasive topical treatments.

Acne is often thought of as a teenage affliction but men and women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s make up half the acne population. Young children and elderly adults don’t seem to get acne. Teenage acne is equally distributed between girls and boys but adult acne is more common in women.

The medical establishment blames acne on a combination of hyperactive oil glands in the skin, hormones, and a tendency for cells lining the pores to clog. Research by Nicholas Perricone, however, shows that acne is actually the result of a cascade of inflammatory reactions in the body.

An inflammatory response - created by eating pro-inflammatory foods, high levels of stress and not getting adequate and restful sleep - creates inflammation on a cellular level. Cellular inflammation accelerates the aging process, as well as the onset and course of many diseases like cancer, cardiovascular disease, arthritis, and acne.

As Perricone states in his book The Acne Prescription, “Inflammation always comes first and it is the inflammation that is the cause of the clogged pore …” His research points to the fact that acne is a systemic inflammatory disease – which means that it happens from the inside out.

Herbalists have traditionally treated acne from the inside out. Rather than relying simply on external topical treatments to rid the skin of acne, herbalists have sought to rebalance key internal processes:

Hormone production

Immunity

Detoxification

Liver health

Lymphatic health

Digestive health

Bowel function

Skin health

The new – and the traditional – approach to acne is to treat it as a systemic imbalance in the body - as an inflammatory response supported or prompted by imbalances in several different body functions.

A “one treatment works for all approach” to clearing up acne doesn’t work, so how do you know what’s behind your breakouts and which treatment approach will work best for you? A through diagnostic evaluation mapping out your own personal imbalances can help target effective treatments for your situation. Successful treatment of acne calls for a multi-tiered, individually designed approach including:

Diet

Supplements

Herbs taken internally

Topical treatments

In addition to an anti-inflammatory approach, there are some time honored herbal approaches that have been shown to be helpful when used as part of multi-modality program.

Burdock – a deep cleansing herb that may help the liver and skin more effectively cleanse waste and toxins. A liver that is not functioning at its best is sluggish in breaking down and clearing out hormonal by-products that can worsen acne. Burdock has strong liver purifying and hormone regulating actions with a special affinity for the skin.

Burdock contains inulin, which helps remove bacteria in the skin and some research suggests that burdock has anti-bacterial and anti-fungal properties. The root is most often used and promotes sweating and urination.

Dandelion – stimulates liver and digestive function and promotes bile flow. The liver is the major organ in the body that helps get rid of toxins and excess hormones, including those that are related to acne breakouts. Dandelion root is anti-inflammatory and may help get rid of skin bacteria associated with acne.

Dandelion leaves are vitamin and mineral rich – and make a tasty green veggie. The vitamins and minerals in dandelion greens are thought to support and maintain healthy skin.

Calendula – is a traditional skin remedy. It is anti-bacterial and anti-inflammatory and boosts immune function. Calendula is used both externally and internally to reduce inflammation and speed wound healing. Calendula is considered to be the best herbal tissue healer for skin problems. Calendula is on par with witch hazel as an astringent and is one of the best antiseptics.

Chasteberry - If you are a woman and your acne has a hormonal link, chasteberry might be just the thing for you. Chasteberry has a long history of balancing women’s hormone problems. Chasteberry appears to regulate higher progesterone levels that are related to acne outbreaks. Chasteberry may be called for if your acne occurs along with PMS and if acne reappears as you enter menopause.

Sarsaparilla - has long been used to clear up skin problems. Sarsaparilla appears to work to clear up acne by balancing hormones and improving the function of the lymphatic system.

Yellow Dock – another favorite herbal remedy, clears skin problems by improving digestion and regulating bowel movements. Herbalists have long noted a connection between constipation and skin problems.

Oregon Grape and Goldenseal – Both of these herbs contain berberine, which is a potent anti-bacterial agent and may help rid the skin of bacteria related to acne. Plus, both of these herbs work to improve digestion and liver function, helping the body get rid of toxins.

Oregon grape is particularly effective for all types of skin problems. It stimulates bile secretions and is a glandular tonic. Through its stimulatory and regulating effect on the liver and gallbladder, it is useful in overcoming problems with constipation. It is what herbalists call a blood purifier and promotes healthy functioning of the spleen and lymphatic system. Through its combined actions it can work wonders to restore a clear, smooth complextion.
Caution – Do not use either of these herbs internally during pregnancy.

Herbs for External Treatment:

Reduce inflammation – cat’s claw, nettles, cleavers, licorice, chamomile, chickweed

Deep pore cleaning – ginseng, ginkgo

Antibacterial/ antifungal – echinacea, white willow bark, calendula, goldenseal, blue flag, nettles, cleavers. Lavender kills germs on the skin, stimulates new cell growth and helps heal acne scars.

Astringents –calendula. Witch Hazel is an old fashion remedy that kills bacteria and helps remove excess oil on the skin.

Just Do It

I am a great planner and most of the time I do a lot of reflection and strategic thinking before making changes. So much so that I sometimes find myself mired in the process and seem to be held hostage by the many “ifs, ands, or buts.”

Luckily, I have learned over the years a sure-fire remedy for this.

Begin where you are.

Maybe you have promised yourself to start attending your children’s sports activities but today it's late - if you leave now the game will be almost over when you get there.

Go anyway.

Don’t wait for the perfect time or the perfect place or the perfect mood. You don’t have to start your new life on a Monday. If you have missed every day but today, start today.

Forward movement begets more forward movement. Going anyway begins the momentum you need to keep pulling you forward.

Works every time.

Want help with “time management"? Personal Coaching can help you experience that you are the one in charge of your life – not your time pressures, deadlines, and overwhelms. Give me a call at 434-263-4996 or email me at maryann@evenstaronline.com to begin making the changes in your life that have eluded you.

Family Rituals

Family ties, connections, and time together are an anchor that grounds your life in the world and infuses it with meaning. The rituals and routines that define and safeguard your family time are essential for high level health, happiness and personal meaning and success. Family rituals and routines make sure that healthy communication and support exists in the family structure and that the family members all hear the message of their importance.

Family rituals contribute to our individual and group integration and stability. They bind us together, hold, and preserve our essence. Family rituals and routines create family.

When I was raising my five children, we created a lively mix of family rituals. Today we are thinking about Valentine rituals, but had rituals for for all the holidays: we made candles for Easter, power wands at the New Year, and of course, Christmas cookies at Christmas and Jack-o-Lanterns at Halloween. Even now - when they are grown with their own families -we still engage in many of these rituals that were put in place during their childhood – they have staying power.

Rituals are not just for holidays. One of my favorite family rituals was reading to my children after breakfast. My kids were homeschooled so we had the opportunity to participate in what might seem like luxuries of time. Instead of dispersing after breakfast, we looked forward to the next exciting chapter of the current book. We read many and varied adventures, but our favorite was the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

I now carry on this family ritual by reading to my grandchildren. The oldest are school age and live in different houses so the logistics are a bit tricky – but a good ritual can tolerate some flexibility.

Keeping family rituals provides a shared continuity that is so easy to lose in today’s fast paced, high technology society. When my children hear that I am reading a book to my grandchildren they inevitably wax into “Oh, I remember when grandma did that with us….” and tell the story of their own adventure with the tradition.

Here are some questions to help guide you in designing your family rituals.

How do you enjoy spending time with your family?
What things do you like to do with your family?
How do you let your family know that they mean a lot to you?
Do you eat dinner with your family? How often? Is it a pleasant experience?
Do you go out together on outings? Is it a pleasant experience?
What makes your holidays and ceremonies such as birthdays and anniversaries special?
Do you have family rituals or routines that protect and safeguard family time?

“Those bound in a fraternity of one mind stand stronger than a fortified city.” -- Antisthenes

Common Sense for Making Health Care Decisions

"I guess you don't think I should take antibiotics do you?"

As an alternative health care practitioner, this is a question people frequently ask, fully expecting me to say that I don't think they should take antibiotics.  Actually, I make no categorical judgments against antibiotics. Used at the appropriate time, in the appropriate manner, antibiotics can be an absolutely crucial part of a improving your health and well-being.  The important point is to figure out what the appropriate time and manner is for you.

Health Care Protocols

The way we approach our health and well-being is based partially on the paradigm through which we view what it means to be healthy, and how we achieve health. By definition a paradigm is a pattern, model, mold, ideal, or standard.  A paradigm is not made up of practices and techniques (although certain practices and techniques may seem more in alignment with particular paradigms).  A paradigm is rather more like a particular way of being which structures your thoughts and actions as you view things from a particular point of view.  It is a way of understanding and analyzing that defines how you view the world, - even so far as what you think is possible.

Western medicine follows protocols based on a particular paradigm about health which defines the actions, techniques and practices that it deems most successful in achieving health and welt-being.

For the most part, Western medicine prides itself on being based on the scientific method. The scientific method is generally thought to be superior to other paradigms because it purports to be objective and free of personal, subjective biases.  This objectivity is assumed to give a more exact, truthful view of what's happening.  In order to promote this independent view of reality, much effort goes into following procedures that protect against subjective, personal interpretation.  There is a reliance on machines and technology to assure exact measurements, accurate analysis and consistent repeatability.  Diagnostic testing, technology and machine measurements are routinely trusted over and above fallible human judgments.  The intellect is honored above other ways of knowing because truth is seen as fixed and replicable.  Analytical, linear thinking is relied upon to reach the one exact cause of a problem and, by eliminating that cause the problem, disease, or illness can be eliminated.

Disease and illness are viewed as something that is either broken and in need of being fixed, or as an invasion by some dangerous outside agent, such as bacterial or germs, which need to be eliminated. Health is defined as the absence of disease.

In order to eliminate these dangerous elements, or fix the broken part, cures that employ the strongest, most active element, and are the most aggressive, are used to bring about the eradication of the disease as quickly as possible. Because these practices must be stronger and more aggressive than the disease they are removing, they tend to carry negative side effects that may be dangerous.  The use of such cures, of course, requires a highly trained expert to administer the prescribed program.

The practices and techniques of Western Medicine are totally congruent with this paradigm. The strongest, most active, most aggressive methods are used for eradication. The effort to win the battle in the fight over disease is a struggle for survival. Western medicine is an excellent, effective approach for emergency, life saving medicine - but these strong, active and aggressive methods are not well suited for rebuilding, recuperation and regeneration. Such intensive techniques are definitely not to be refused and abandoned because they do have an essential use in serious, emergency and life threatening situations.

What If It's Not An Emergency Or A Life Threatening Situation?

A problem arises, however, when such practices and techniques are used in situations that are not serious, emergency and life threatening.  How can you decide when it is time for you to use such aggressive techniques?

There is a logical decision making process that you can guide yourself through as you determine the level of treatment and remedies you need in a particular circumstance.

This process is not a means of self diagnosis, nor is it meant to replace the informed opinion of your chosen health care practitioners.  But rather it is a set of guidelines that empower you in understanding more about the choices that you have available to you - and it is a decision making checklist to move you through different levels of treatment until you reach the point where you feel that you are safely and effectively working with your condition.

Here is an orderly sequence of actions that can be applied to health care situations which assists in safely deciding which options to chose and when to chose them.

The Six Steps To Reasonable Health Care Decisions

1 - The process begins with the creative step of returning to the source of the problem, where self-correction can take place.  During this time you might rest, sleep or meditate.  It is a returning to the stillness and silence.  Even emergency medical technicians are often trained to simply be in the situation when they arrive at an emergency site - if only for a second or two - before they begin to assess the situation.

2 - From this point, you can proceed in an orderly fashion through becoming informed about what's happening to you and learning the pros and cons of your available options for working with your specific condition.

3 - The next step  is to begin nourishing yourself and regenerating, repatterning and rebuilding your body.

4 - Only after you have these steps in place do you look to the possibility of resolving your condition by pushing beyond the limits of your present state through stimulating or sedating.

5 - If these actions do not bring about the desired completion and integration, move into using remedies that act in a more drug-like manner overriding the current symptoms and giving the body time to be relieved of the stress of the symptoms long enough to activate and employ its own self-healing actions.

6 - The last step in the process would be to use techniques that break across your normal boundaries and flow patterns in the body.  These remedies are most often toxic to the body because they directly intervene in the natural energy flow of the body.  Surgery and chemotherapy are good examples of this step.

Taking All The Steps You Need - How To Help Yourself.

In a safe and complete system of care, all of these steps are addressed. If the actions are applied in sequence from the beginning to the point where the problem is resolved unnecessarily aggressive steps are avoided. Each step builds an expanding foundation of resources for the body to heal itself in the next step.

The steps are ordered according to the probability that they are likely to result in negative side effects.  Surgery and chemotherapy are more likely to create serious side effects than is collecting information.  You set a time limit that feels comfortable for you for moving from one step to the next.

How quickly or slowly you move through the steps depends upon the actual situation, your support system, past experiences, your body of knowledge, and gut feelings.  This creates a recognition of what your needs are for you at the time and the level of intervention needed to correct the problem.

It is not surgery or taking an antibiotic itself that is likely to cause the most harm, but rather that these more aggressive and potentially harmful actions would be used as a first step without due consideration and the support built into the proceeding steps.

By learning the intricacies of this decision making process you help take away the guess work, confusion, fear and the lack of power often present in health care decisions.

Consider these questions:

Are you intimated by your physician?

Do you feel unqualified to make your own health care decisions?

Do you feel that you could never know enough to make a medical decision outside of what your physician advises?

Do your have your personal health care team set up? Do you know the modalities and practitioners you want and need to best serve  your needs and have you chosen these practitioners?

Do you have access to health care information that is current, leading edge, relevant and understandable?

If you answered “yes” to any of the first three questions and no to either of the last two questions you might want to develop a more comprehensive plan for making health care decisions.

If You Want To Learn More

I hope this gives you some beginning guidelines. If you'd like to learn more about applying this Six Step Program of Self-Care to your situation give me a call a 434-263-4996 or email. There is much more about what practices, techniques, alternatives and support systems are most effective in each step and how you can prevent over-treating and under-treating. This will help bring confidence and understanding to your decisions.

The Value of Negative Emotions

I believe that the most important thing in the world is that you feel good. When you feel good, you are most likely to experience your greatest growth and evolutionary change.

The problem for me is that I so naturally seem to find the negative in any situation. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to stop homing in on the negative. But then I realized that something that comes so naturally to me might actually be a benefit.

Negative emotions have well understood evolutionary value. Negative emotions such as fear, loss, and aggression signal the activation of our flight or fight response. When we experience negative emotions, we have a feeling of aversion, which sets us on course to identify what is wrong and eliminate it. Negative emotions and thoughts are associated with a survival alert that activates a reaction to fight, flight or conserve - each reaction with obvious evolutionary value.
That is all well and good. But it still seems kind of negative. In contemplating this, I linked up with a principle from the teachings of Abraham and The Law of Attraction – “desire is born out of contrast." What this means is that when you are experiencing something negative in you it prompts you to connect with what you really want in your life.

“When you find yourself in the midst of negative emotion... now here's a new twist to it. You are all understanding are you not that when you are feeling negative emotion it is your Inner Being telling you that you are RESISTING something that you WANT!! That is not an easy thing for everyone to understand ...” --Abraham-Hicks

If you hate your job, that negative experience is what summons from you your desire – your dream – for the kind of job you really want.

If you are in a “bad” relationship it prompts you to identify your desire and dream to have an intimate, loving, and kind relationship.

Experiencing the negative, seeing the negative, identifying the negative acts like a wake-up call for you to embrace your dreams and desires. And bringing forth your dreams and desires in the world is what pulls you forward in your evolutionary growth and development.

Negative emotions become troublesome when you spend all of your time there. When something negative happens there is a temptation to embellish the event and tell your sad and sorry story to anyone who will listen – even if you are just telling it to your self over and over again. We can easily get stuck in the negative and feel compelled to grind it into reality.

If you are experiencing something negative, the trick is to quickly identify what desire or dream it is conflicting with – and then get off the negative.

When you are experiencing a negative experience quickly get the message you are sending to yourself about what it is that you really want and move on. Figure out the dream or desire that is calling to you and put your attention there.

Now then, isn’t that a more creative, resourceful, fun, and useful way to handle anything negative that is in your life?